the story so far (contd).............

there has always been a voice inside my head. its my own very confused voice but a voice nonetheless which i cant get rid of. i have called a friend of mine to the library here at 9:30 pm in the night. we will go to the indian night together. two hundred indians including me and not indian one friend have i made. i miss my girlfriend though. didnt have to think much when i was around her. cute little ball of joy. i loved my life when she was happy and smiling all the time. i didnt need to find myself then. didnt really need a purpose in life at all. guess i could have loved her all the time and not given a shit about what others might have said. she was personal success to me. it wouldnt have helped my find a job or anything. i did love her a lot. but what i was in front of her was absolutely fake though. a fake put up facade of somebody i thought would impress her. only made that little girl angrier.
there a three people here in the library. i will do my ipython notebook homework tomorrow. i also need a hiwi job to learn a lot of things though. i still dont understand why i need to learn certain things but thats the kind of mistake i made in college which i wont repeat in my masters degree. a lot of my brothers money and my parents hopes are riding on how i perform here. its just work. maybe i can keep doing it . and look for ideas for success at a later time.
dont have one clear thought in my head. its not the cool kind of mental disability that makes people successful in the computer world. its the kind of debilitating loss that drives a man to insanity.

good night to you my imaginary friends. i will see when the sun starts to shine.