the story so far (contd).............

there has always been a voice inside my head. its my own very confused voice but a voice nonetheless which i cant get rid of. i have called a friend of mine to the library here at 9:30 pm in the night. we will go to the indian night together. two hundred indians including me and not indian one friend have i made. i miss my girlfriend though. didnt have to think much when i was around her. cute little ball of joy. i loved my life when she was happy and smiling all the time. i didnt need to find myself then. didnt really need a purpose in life at all. guess i could have loved her all the time and not given a shit about what others might have said. she was personal success to me. it wouldnt have helped my find a job or anything. i did love her a lot. but what i was in front of her was absolutely fake though. a fake put up facade of somebody i thought would impress her. only made that little girl angrier.
there a three people here in the library. i will do my ipython notebook homework tomorrow. i also need a hiwi job to learn a lot of things though. i still dont understand why i need to learn certain things but thats the kind of mistake i made in college which i wont repeat in my masters degree. a lot of my brothers money and my parents hopes are riding on how i perform here. its just work. maybe i can keep doing it . and look for ideas for success at a later time.
dont have one clear thought in my head. its not the cool kind of mental disability that makes people successful in the computer world. its the kind of debilitating loss that drives a man to insanity.

good night to you my imaginary friends. i will see when the sun starts to shine.

The story so far........

I am a 22 year old Indian man from New Delhi. i studied in a terrible college in new delhi. by terrible i mean that the education i recieved was terrible. i was trained to be an exam giver and somebody who would if god intended work for an IT company given that i have the necessary skills. i don't know how to socialise. not that i don't want to do it. i really do. but i don't have any friends. thats because i dont know who i am right now. even i dont like me. i go creepy sometimes. people hate me a lot when they talk to me. im trying to find a consistent frame of mind to keep. maybe i am just too lonely. all the friends that i have made in kaiserslautern will leave next year. is it also time for me to change my place of education again? TU kaiserslautern is not as bad as the college in delhi. i had a nice girlfriend back home though. she also hated me a lot. its a pattern i guess. maybe i need to find who i am and what i am here for first before i could allow people to get close to me. i love attention. i like it when people like me. maybe its because i have not been liked for a long time in my life. i was mocked and made fun of in school for not being cool enough. they were bullies though. i dont give a shit about them. i do but im not supposed to. the reason i think that success eludes me is because i still want success because of the money and the leverage it will give me of being cool in front of people i was not cool in front of till now.

maybe a hormonal imbalance has occured inside of me and im not able to keep my head straight in this situation. i loved my girlfriend though. she was very cute. i wished sometimes that she was not as angry at me as she usually was. that killed the experience a long time before we called it quits.